I started a new diet on Monday after my mother told me she thought the new diet drug, Alli, must have been named after me. Reeling from yet another fat joke, I headed to my room to change and head out of the house as quickly as possible. I pulled out my comphiest pair of fat-pants and tugged them, and tugged them, and sucked, and squeezed and zippered. And I realized – Dear Lord, I’m fat again.

So Monday morning, I crawled out of bed at 6 a.m. and drove over to the gym. I did 55 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. I did some upper-body work and went home to eat some egg-whites and hot sauce. I packed myself a half-a-turkey-sandwich with mustard on whole wheat bread for lunch and a snack-baggie of carrots. This was a new day…

Pretending the baby carrots were cheese puffs only made them more disappointing. I was starving again by 3p.m. and decided to indulge in a bag of pretzles from the vending machine. I ate half and hid the rest. Fortunately, I was so tired from getting up at 6 a.m. that I legitimately forgot where I had placed them.  

By the time I got home, I was so hungry I downed what probably equaled three servings of Shepheards Pie that my mother had made for dinner (I didn’t eat all of the potatoes so it was low-carbish) and hated myself for the rest of the night.

Tuesday started with new determination, the same plate of egg-whites and the same sad half-a-sandwich and carrot combination for lunch. By 11a.m. I was so bored that food was all I could think about. Fortunately, I found the pretzles from the day before hidden behind my phone and munched on them as I watched “The View.” The food I had packed was long gone by 12:30 p.m. and by 3 p.m. I was hungry yet again. Purchased cashews. Ate one serving.

Determined to go back to the gym again on Wednesday morning I went to bed at 8 p.m. so I would be well rested. Was woken at 11 p.m. by my younger sister who reminded me that we had ticktets to see “Harry Potter: The Rise of the Phoenix” at 12:01 a.m.

 Guess where I didn’t go this morning. . .

And guess what I had for lunch. . .

And guess who regrets buying and keeping a big tub of cashews that are now taunting her from inside her desk drawer. . .

And who, if she wasn’t so lazy, would walk her fat ass over to the vending machine right now and spend the next five minutes debating between Snickers and Peanut M&Ms. . .