So, at about midnight last night, I called Jenny. Yes, as in Craig. I thought, $36 for 6 weeks, plus the cost of food… can’t be too bad… *sigh* I was wrong. It cost nearly $400! And that only includes food for 2 weeks, not the full 6 weeks. I joined, but now I’m gonna call back and cancel. I wanted to join because any time I diet, I do it for a month and then give up because I don’t see results. And it’s not like I try it half-assed. I go all out. And I already go to the gym 3-4 times a week, sometimes more. I wanted a jump start to motivate me and I thought a program that told me and gave me exactly what to eat, no surprises, would be just what I needed. But nearly $400? I can’t justify that.

So many different weight loss sites, programs, blogs, etc., dish about diet foods. “Ooooo – look! Low Fat Fat!” They gossip about which light ice cream tastes like the real thing, or about the myriads of substitutes for everything from pasta (spaghetti squash), to mayo (cottage cheese or low fat mayo), to soda (zero, diet, etc).

I have two different opinions on the subject.

1. Essentially, they should be seen like nicotine patches or “meatless” versions of meat foods. These foods are meant to get the smoker or new vegetarian to slowly give up their prior addiction. But, seriously, they shouldn’t be treated as “I will live on these, pretending I’m just fine and happy with my new full-of-fake-crap self”.

2. They are a danger not unlike their fattier, carb-ier predecessors. Why? Because people think if it’s liet, less calorie, low fat, or fat free, they can chug-a-lug-scarf-and-slurp their way to being thin & healthy by OD’ing on them.

You want low fat? Try fruit & veggies. Ick, I know.

I love olives in almost every way- Sicilian, spanish, green, black, greek, with pits, without, with pimento, none, etc.., but then a co-worker of mine made shortbread cookies with olives inside. I’m not sure what kind except they were definitely black. I never knew I could hate an olive with such venom. It’s been two days and every time I think I smell olives or something truly salty, I’m suddenly back in my cubicle, tasting that foul little turd and I’m revolted.

So, how do you thank someone for so violently and suddenly turning you off from a food you once couldn’t get enough of?

Well, olives are fattening … so there must be a “thank you” in there somewhere.

Ona D: I feel like eating a whole pizza

Ali: i ate a 3 musketeers before the meeting

Ona D: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
that might substitute for the pizza

Ali: haha

Ona D: and i need a devil dog.  i’m an addict. i can admit it

Ali: a food addict?

Ona D: yes

Ali: me too. i’m what u call a binge eater

Ona D: yeah i think that’s where my desire to eat a whole pizza comes from

Ali: you ever tell yourself ur not gonna eat much and then enough to feed a small family is gone in minutes and u don’t know where it went, but ur awfully full?

Ona D: yes to everything, but i generally remember where it went

Ali: according to this: http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/disorders/bingeeating.html
most binge eaters are obese.  so we’re a few steps ahead. i’m only a few bmi points into overweight

Ona D: ditto

Ali: and i like to pretend a lot of my weight is in my bra – i’m sure most of yours is

Ona D: double ditto

Today we ordered in for lunch at work. And since the food was free I decided it was also free of calories. Good logic, no?

Going out to dinner tonight under the pretense that I must do a restaurant review for my other blog.

Does anyone else get so excited about eating out that they spend the whole day (while bored at work) looking at the menu on-line fantasizing about what they’re going to order?

Maybe?

Right…me either.

Ona D: i just saw a commercial for this: http://myalli.com/

Ali:. it sounds like it makes you poop.

Ona D: l isn’t this the same stuff that causes “anal leakage”

Ali: there’s so much stuff out there these days that causes anal leakage

Ona D: it’s amazing everyone doesn’t have brown-stained pants. click on “how alli works in the digestive track” http://myalli.com/howdoesitwork.aspx

Ali: i like the growing pink fatty

Ona D: “treatment effects” – my favorite part - “more frequent stools that may be hard to control”

Ali:  i’m viewing it in action right now

Ona D: “gas with oily spotting = anal leakage

Ali: aha! here are the effects

Ona D: aka punishment for eating too much fat

Ali: uncontrollable stools – sweet

Ona D: can’t wait – i would try this thing

Ali: really?

Ona D: “um…*boss*…i can’t come in today… i’m suffering from treatment effects”

Ali: i’d be too afraid i’d splurge one day and shart

Ona D:  in a meeting

Ali: “did u just shit?”
“no that’s not shit, that’s just my oily treatment effect”

Ona D: gotta love the “you’re in heaven. relax. don’t think about the possibility of your butt leaking while on a hot date”– music

Ali: i know!!!!!

Ona D: the music is what makes me most suspicious

Ali: i’d be afraid to eat on a date or something. it sounds like it’s brainwashing me

Ona D: “no, no butter – i’m wearing white pants”  - yeah, there are subliminal message in the music, “don’t you rather butt leaks vs. love-handles?”

Ali: or just imagine you’re in bed with your man and whoops, sorry that’s just my uncontrollable bowl – but don’t i look skinny?

Ona D: that’s a good way of talking to a guy — look, love my rolls or get a skinny chick who poops during sex

Ali: i bet some guys would think about that

Ona D: true.  my fear would be if it caused like, long-term poopiness even after you stopped using it

Ali: if i pooped in bed i’d probably end up crawling underneath it until i felt *boyfriend* had gone far enough away that i cold escape out a window, never to be seen or heard from again

Ona D: can you imagine how many people are going to run to the stores when this comes out? the fact that it’s FDA-approved?

Ali: oh, millions. fat or skinny. and a lot of people are going to think it’s magical and shit themselves because they don’t’ want to diet

Ona D: i wonder if you can like, stop taking it Wednesday if you know you’re gonna pig out Fridayit’s so true. so many ppl will take this and think the anal leakage is a good side effecthow is a person supposed to know if their meal has less than 15 grams of fat?

Ali: labels? so much for eating out. i’d just lose weight cuz i’d fear that if i ate, i’d make a mess of myself

Ona D: exactly. me too. and our blog would come to an oily-assed end

So, while it’s true that sometimes I can look in a mirror and not gape in disgust, and think, “ok, aside from being too short with boobs & hips too big for my body, maybe i’m not too bad”, I’m not one of those oblivious fat chicks. I don’t wear camisoles with rolls hanging off my arms and back, thinking, “if i wear enough makeup and show off enough tit, maybe no one will notice”. I don’t wear shorts completely ignoring that they’re noticeably, slowly, trying to invade The Regions of Nether between my thick thighs*. I don’t wear those half-sweaters passing for fashion now which, on a fat chick, simply point directly to where people already stare. No, I’m not obvious, throwing my weight around with a big, “I don’t care if it all hangs out – i feel beautiful” grin, and I don’t wear things thinking it’s all concealed and my fatness is hidden well beneath my “curve-friendly” (read: nice & wide at the hips and too loose at the waist) jeans. No, I’m pretty aware and while I do believe my partner when he tells me he likes that I’m “thick” and I take that as a compliment, I can’t tell you how many times I’ll see someone like Beth Ditto or some other “plus-sized model” who’s all proud of their bodies and think, “really? …. really?” – totaly incredulous.

I mean, don’t get me wrong – I don’t think women should want to be so thin they could store pencils between their ribs; I don’t think too thin is in any way more attractive than too fat. I mean, for my small 5′ frame, I’m supposed to weigh about 100 pounds. I can’t take that seriously. Does that simply not include muscle? Or boobs? Or internal organs? I’m not trying to say I don’t think I should lose weight (like I said, I’m not oblivious), but 100 lbs?? Total?

*Oh, and in terms of shorts… I must say, ever since Susan Powter, in her platinum butch swagger, bent over on stage as if giving herself her own gyno exam, exclaimed, “And suddenly I noticed my thighs were no longer touching each other!”, one of my biggest bench marks for, “Yes, this is the weight I should be” has been whether I can wear shorts and not worry about them storming the barricades of my Nethers.

I started a new diet on Monday after my mother told me she thought the new diet drug, Alli, must have been named after me. Reeling from yet another fat joke, I headed to my room to change and head out of the house as quickly as possible. I pulled out my comphiest pair of fat-pants and tugged them, and tugged them, and sucked, and squeezed and zippered. And I realized – Dear Lord, I’m fat again.

So Monday morning, I crawled out of bed at 6 a.m. and drove over to the gym. I did 55 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. I did some upper-body work and went home to eat some egg-whites and hot sauce. I packed myself a half-a-turkey-sandwich with mustard on whole wheat bread for lunch and a snack-baggie of carrots. This was a new day…

Pretending the baby carrots were cheese puffs only made them more disappointing. I was starving again by 3p.m. and decided to indulge in a bag of pretzles from the vending machine. I ate half and hid the rest. Fortunately, I was so tired from getting up at 6 a.m. that I legitimately forgot where I had placed them.  

By the time I got home, I was so hungry I downed what probably equaled three servings of Shepheards Pie that my mother had made for dinner (I didn’t eat all of the potatoes so it was low-carbish) and hated myself for the rest of the night.

Tuesday started with new determination, the same plate of egg-whites and the same sad half-a-sandwich and carrot combination for lunch. By 11a.m. I was so bored that food was all I could think about. Fortunately, I found the pretzles from the day before hidden behind my phone and munched on them as I watched “The View.” The food I had packed was long gone by 12:30 p.m. and by 3 p.m. I was hungry yet again. Purchased cashews. Ate one serving.

Determined to go back to the gym again on Wednesday morning I went to bed at 8 p.m. so I would be well rested. Was woken at 11 p.m. by my younger sister who reminded me that we had ticktets to see “Harry Potter: The Rise of the Phoenix” at 12:01 a.m.

 Guess where I didn’t go this morning. . .

And guess what I had for lunch. . .

And guess who regrets buying and keeping a big tub of cashews that are now taunting her from inside her desk drawer. . .

And who, if she wasn’t so lazy, would walk her fat ass over to the vending machine right now and spend the next five minutes debating between Snickers and Peanut M&Ms. . .

Dieting is frustrating, annoying and inevitable part of being a normal-sized human being. It’s also incredibly funny when you distance yourself enough to look back on nutritional ineptitudes, exercise-inspired spaz attacks, and the weird ways in which we try to trick ourselves.

Ali:
I am a 24-year-old news associate producer who sits at a desk all day writing blogs and reading about grizzly real-life murders. I’m fairly sedentary, although I was once a played college sports. I don’t sleep right, and I’m pretty sure that carbohydrates and cheese were created solely so that I might spend my life trying to eat them in as many, preferably fried, combinations as possible.

In my adult life, I have maxed out at approximately 190 pounds and slimmed down to a modest 155 thanks to an internship that forced me to run up and down fifth ave all day, every day, a determined mindset that kept me from eating every meal as if it were my last, and a tonsillectomy that rendered me unable to eat for two weeks.

I am currently 171 pounds with a BMI of 26, which puts me one point into the “overweight” category. My short term goal is to get that down to a 25 and get back into my GAP size 10s (which I realize are not real 10s but self-esteem-boosting-runs-big-on-everyone-10s). My long term goal is to be Jessia Biel.

I have tried Weight Watchers, Atkins, Nutrisystem, Hoodia, Dexatrim, and I do have a gym membership that I have used approximately 20 times in the last six months.

Ona D.:
I rarely drink alcohol – and I’ve never been drunk. I have never had a cup of coffee, or gotten high – whether with illicit or prescription drugs. But food? Just the thought of it makes me giddy. My mind will focus on something until I get it – and get more. Chocolate, burgers, ice cream, devil dogs, pad thai, chips & salsa or guacamole – my obsessions are varied and not particular. Carbs, fats, proteins – I do them all with the passion. When I’m dieting, I’ll google for healthy recipes and wind up looking at deserts. Once I’m done with lunch, I’m wondering what to do for dinner.

I am just 5′ and weigh roughly 160 but I’ve gone all the way up to 180, putting me way into the overweight, maybe even obese category. But I box 4 times a week about 90 minutes a day, lift weights and could totally kick your ass. No, that doesn’t mean I’m in denial, thinking that my weight is all muscle under a thin layer of flab (ok, I tell myself that when I’m cleaning my second bowl of chicken soup).

I’ve tried Weight Watchers more than once, Dexatrim (when I was a teenager), Spark, counting calories, limiting carbs, doing the low-fat thing, and eating 6 small meals a day a la The Abs Diet. And even when it seems like my body’s getting more toned, my weight doesn’t change, making me think I’m the opposite of an anorexic -I see myself thinner than I am. I’ve recently been tempted by Jenny Craig, MyAlli, and SlimFast but I don’t believe in miracles, and I sure don’t believe miracles come in cardboard boxes or shakes (even if it shows real talent to make shakes that taste like cardboard).

My main motivation is I want to be strong and toned – no desires to be Kate Moss over here. I like my curves – I just wish they made pants that fit them!